So, Are You Done?

Addressing That Postpartum Question

Mother with Child, Pierre Edouard Frere

I’ve been hearing it since the birth of my second child. At that time, God had given me a daughter and a son.

‘One of each’ is expected to be enough, I learned.

“So, are you done?”

I’ll step past how weird it is that people ask these questions of their neighbors and co-workers. I’ve learned to view it as a conversation starter.

My response has become something like,

“No, I like babies. I was a baby once!”

Or, when talking to Christians, especially,

“Babies are a gift from God. And if they are a gift, I’ll just say ‘Thank You.’”

(It is intriguing to me that these thoughts seem novel to many people. They were novel to me, too, when I first adopted them.¹ How strangely disconnected we have become from the order of God’s created world!)

But I think it’s important to say those things rather than, for example,

“No, I’m not done; I want a big family,”

because that’s just a different type of family choice: you like small families, I like big families, so here we are, living our parallel ‘truths.’ And I certainly didn’t arrive here because of preference.

Life as a Gift or a Choice?

I do want a big family - in theory - because I believe human life is a good thing, and babies are gifts of our generous God. But the statements above, centered on the value of human life as a gift from God, are the foundational thoughts that keep my mind straight when the reality of an increasing family is inconvenient or downright painful.

Welcoming more children can’t just be motivated by the bonus parts of having a large family, like huge gatherings, sibling play time, more relationships, and more love. That’s because those are bonuses that don’t always come, and they are often far removed from the fragile stage of pregnancy-through-toddlerhood.

Sometimes, God grants children, but at extreme physical and mental cost to the mother. Are they still gifts?

Other times, He grants children who never see the light of the sun. Surely, they must still be gifts!

Sometimes He grants children so rapidly that you feel you just might drown in breast milk and diapers while on your thousandth pregnant trip to the bathroom. They are still gifts.

And what about the wife who is open to receiving the blessing of children, but the Lord, in His hidden wisdom, does not grant her a “large” family? She is just as faithful as the woman who has ten children.

Because it’s not about the size of the family.

Against Presumption

There is so very, very little that we can control. Life doesn’t go as expected, whether you planned on one child or ten. We should not base our childbearing practices solely on uncertain futures which are not guaranteed to us. Talk to people who are long beyond childbearing years and you’ll hear all the unexpected ways their families have changed shape - both in joy and in sadness.

It’s unwise to cultivate a desire for a certain number of children upon the presumed life that will follow.

For that reason, our perspective on childbearing ought to be based upon something deeper than plans or preference. It ought to be founded upon this holy and ancient truth, existing outside of us, and yet woven into our own fearfully-and-wonderfully-made bodies:

The will of the Lord of all creation, including the mother’s womb.

Using the Right Language

The reason I don’t say:

I’m done,

I have enough children,

I want a large family,

is simply because I desire to submit to this Lordship…and my words are helping to train my mind in it.

The Christian reproductive ethic is not best summarized as, “Have large families,” although that’s helpful to expand parents’ minds beyond 1.2 children. It goes deeper than that. If we are going to speak as Christians, then we need to move past the humanist vocabulary of:

• choice

• control

• decision

• family size

• planning

and into the biblical language of:

• blessing

• increase

• prayer

• fruitfulness

• generations

If we train ourselves to think in the words of Scripture, then we will begin to see the absurdity of the notion that we ought to be ‘done’ receiving precious gifts from the Almighty God. This forges a path in which the affections of the heart — which can be resistant, I know² — can eventually follow.

As for me, I remain grateful that God is still open to welcoming children into His family, the Church, through the new birth of the Holy Spirit by faith in Christ. As He is, so may we be.

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1. There are so many faithful Christian women who think this way, and I am thankful for their influence. Authors Rose Adle, Rebekah Curtis, Abbie Halberstadt, Leila Marie Lawler, and Katie Schuermann are a few who come to mind. There are other women whose incredible strength and faith through this type of costly love are known only to those in their circles. I also have to commend my husband, who understood this long before I did, and remained patient with my reluctance to change my mind.

2. I think this shaping of the affections is always worth working and talking through, rather than just settling into wherever we find ourselves today. Instead of stopping the conversation at “I want to be done,” “I have my reasons to be done,” etc., Christian women, especially, ought to support one another through the path of these precious childbearing years. It includes asking the hard questions. I understand that some women risk their lives in order to welcome children, and we should never take such sacrifice lightly. These women may, understandably, have difficulty with what I’m saying. However, I believe we still must encourage one another to do what is right, and support each other through it, even though it is difficult. May God grant us kindness and love toward one another as we seek to walk in the wisdom of Christ.